Little things cheer me up. His way of cheering me up is odd...but..

I don't mind them at all. He's clumsy but...

very warm. Comfortable.

His hand is always warm when I'm cold (cold when I am warm),
His touch is very gentle,
His hugs are calming...

I always complain about him...I always doubt him...I always hurt him...
But deep down...he isn't so bad at all. ♥

There's just no romance...but at least the feelings are there. That's what counts, doesn't it?

Look at me~!

How do you look at me?
A loser? Lame? Lousy? Less desirable? Little bit insane?

I'm not a great person...but if I can be for one person, then I'm sure that's enough. But these days...I don't think I am. I should try harder. Maybe he's trying hard too? I don't know...doubtful.

Anyways...the point of today's blog?

What am I doing with my life right now? Seems a little pointless to me..

The other day in Blog Land...

I noticed he deleted his...I noticed he turned his FB back on...
I blocked him. I was already sad that I can't go back and look at the past with him.
I know I'm selfish. I know I'm greedy. I know I shouldn't...
But he disappeared without me realizing that he did.
If I could go back in the past...I would totally slap myself in the face.
Although I have many regrets...there's nothing to do but just move on...

Today...I had to go to where he would be.
I hoped that I wouldn't run into him...
Or...
I hoped that he would see me.

At the end...I saw the back of him. I was reading and I looked up.

This is reality. I'm here. Sitting. Dwelling.
He's there. Walking swiftly to his destination.
I'm watching him move on.
He's not looking back.

Reality.

Of course I didn't go after him. There's someone else in my life as well. Someone who depends on me.
...someone who I can't depend on back...

Today...I tried talking to him, the one who is dependent on me. Our conversation was short. As always.
Of course I didn't tell him...I was trying to open up to what had happened...but no response. Nothing.
I thought maybe I will talk to him later tonight...He usually comes later...Not this time.

Reality. I guess this is life's way of saying that you need to get stronger. Get up and move on as well.
I understand...I am moving on...I am recognizing my errors...Especially with this one.
I'm done with dealing with the past.
I'm now dealing with the present.

How unfair...for him (the past) to be happy and not me.
I will be happy. Not because of him, but because of everyone around me.

Tonight...I will be surrounded by friends. I am very thankful for that :)

Labels: personal, relationships

...to even care at all. I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control. Whoah-oh ♫

Right now...I feel like drowning myself in cough syrup as well. Of course I wont do it, just figuratively speaking.

I am unhappy. But today, after talking to a good friend...and him saying:

"...anyway, kat, take it easy
you just force yourself
and know you feel so tired with it
i dont know what is a good answer for you because i dont know what you really want...
....that's why we need to find it but it is surely not something you need to force yourself to do."

It made me feel relieved. I must admit...I got a bit teary lol.
Sometimes...just having someone there to cheer you up...is way better than being in a relationship. Just having someone who will listen to you and cheer you on.

This conversation...I realized, I depend on my friends more than my lover. Maybe a bit too much. Reason?
Because they are more dependable, I know they will be on my side, and I know we have each other's backs...
I constantly have issues with my lovers...whom I will talk to my friends about for advice or venting purposes. Even if I confront my lover on issues I have with them...nothing will happen. No advice or anything. Maybe they will be resolved for a week...and then they will go back to normal.

You can't change a person. You can maybe influence someone. BUT...ultimately the person will change if he/she decides to for themselves.

I have many questions about the one I'm with. I always do. I know something is probably wrong with me...but maybe...as simple and sad as it sounds...maybe...it's just not meant to be.

Everything has an expiration date...
*(even Twinkies believe it or not! I mean c'mon...NOW they don't exist do they? :P )