In the beginning, he forgave me.

Labels: forgiveness, past, personal, present, relationship

How am I supposed to feel?

Labels: personal, relationship

The other day in Blog Land...

I noticed he deleted his...I noticed he turned his FB back on...
I blocked him. I was already sad that I can't go back and look at the past with him.
I know I'm selfish. I know I'm greedy. I know I shouldn't...
But he disappeared without me realizing that he did.
If I could go back in the past...I would totally slap myself in the face.
Although I have many regrets...there's nothing to do but just move on...

Today...I had to go to where he would be.
I hoped that I wouldn't run into him...
Or...
I hoped that he would see me.

At the end...I saw the back of him. I was reading and I looked up.

This is reality. I'm here. Sitting. Dwelling.
He's there. Walking swiftly to his destination.
I'm watching him move on.
He's not looking back.

Reality.

Of course I didn't go after him. There's someone else in my life as well. Someone who depends on me.
...someone who I can't depend on back...

Today...I tried talking to him, the one who is dependent on me. Our conversation was short. As always.
Of course I didn't tell him...I was trying to open up to what had happened...but no response. Nothing.
I thought maybe I will talk to him later tonight...He usually comes later...Not this time.

Reality. I guess this is life's way of saying that you need to get stronger. Get up and move on as well.
I understand...I am moving on...I am recognizing my errors...Especially with this one.
I'm done with dealing with the past.
I'm now dealing with the present.

How unfair...for him (the past) to be happy and not me.
I will be happy. Not because of him, but because of everyone around me.

Tonight...I will be surrounded by friends. I am very thankful for that :)

Labels: personal, relationships

I don't think this concept of "Love" really is for me. I've written stuff like this in the past, like "ahhh I don't believe in Love" etc etc emo angst emo angst...but this was when my relationship with my first love had come to an end. Hm...that was probably like...two years ago. Since then it's been rebound after rebound. But the thing is I didn't feel like they were "rebounds" at the time. Well...even now. But everyone keeps pointing out that they were. Maybe they're right? I have been jumping into relationships after another...Loneliness scares me.

Well no, being alone isn't quite so bad...but I get bored really fast.

Actually...in this point...I feel like someone has caught my eye. But...maybe I'm just psyching myself out for another so called "rebound." Except with this one...I feel like I can find myself get bored really easily. Chasing after someone isn't a bad thing, but when they don't chase you back and you just keep running...it becomes meaningless. Boring.

Maybe I am just DOUBTING or overthinking this concept of "love"...I guess the way I see it, I want to be seen as someone "special" just like anyone else. Being able to check my phone and be in a state of bliss when that person leaves me a message (either through voicemail or text), replaying that voicemail, re-reading that text...finding out that that person is doing the same, that person finding ways to make me happy...to cheer me up even though I'm not sad but just to say that there is someone that cares. あ．．．それは元彼のCharm Pointだったな．．．I feel like I do have someone like that in my life...actually, I do. It's just not the amount I was looking forward to. This isn't something to complain about, because the little things add up...

I don't know...the whole "the right one for you" and that whole "fate" deal just ends up sounding like a fairy tale to me...just like religion (no offense, personal opinion). I truly do hope that it ends up not being a fairy tale. Either that, or I truly hope someone has better luck than me and isn't afraid. Re-reading this...maybe I'm just scared of commitment and have trust issues?

My self esteem has really gone down...how pathetic.

Labels: love, personal, relationships, stupidity

Labels: personal, photography, photoshop